Fear

And I wonder if all my life's about

The sum of all my fears and all my doubts

- Faith Hill "When The Lights Go Down"

Fear is probably the second most powerful emotion I have ever known. For me it is strong and unrelenting.

Lying in the dark at night I pray. I bargain with God. Please just take the fear away. I know
it is ruining my life and it has already taken too big a chunk of my life as it is. I don't want it spoiling the time I have with my children while they are at this age of wonder and amazement. I want to experience everything with them without the specter of anxiety hanging constantly over my head.

I want my life to be meaningful, but how can it be when fear pervades the very essence of my being at every inopportune moment possible? I grind my teeth virtually into a fine
powder. My heart races. Again I pray and I bargain. Just please, please make it go away. I don't
want it anymore.

Of course I ask, why me? Why am I plagued by this incessant fear when there are others who are so free? They go about life without any qualms never questioning whether they might pass out in a public place and have to be carried out on a stretcher. Many of my fears are irrational and I
try not to give them too much life. I have other fears that are perfectly reasonable. They
are the ones that take over my thoughts and try to take awaythe peace of mind that I fight for every day. I've tried it all- medication, meditation, hypnosis, relaxation techiniques- you name it. I've taken a shot at it.

There have been some temporary respites, but none that have been permanent. I've taken away a little more knowledge from each episode and I know how to fight back the mild panic and even some of the more vicious attacks of terror. One of these occurred atop a mountain and
breathing and praying my way through that one was quite an experience. I did it though and felt stronger for it afterwards.

If only I could reserve the strength from each time I successfully fight off an episode and keep it with me always. It doesn't work that way and at night when I put the lights out my mind goes into overdrive and I am once again trapped in my own private hell.