I used to have.....
I used to have an idol. It was Jessica Savitch. I read her book in 8th grade and I was hooked. I wanted to be a journalist. Okay, so things didn't turn out so great for her. She got into drugs and died a horrific death in a car filled with water, but at one time she was considered "golden".
Things haven't necessarily turned out all that great for me either. I'm not on drugs- recreational ones anyway, nor am I a famous journalist. What I have become is a mom who finds herself plunging toilets and tending to loads and loads of laundry and dishes. It's not exactly what I had in mind for a career.
What I did think of myself doing was writing. Writing endlessly and emotively and reporting the facts from war torn countries or areas of natural disasters. In my mind I was writing words that would not only move people to tears, but change minds and change the world. Such are the dreams of teenagers.
Instead I found myself trapped in a terrifying world of severe panic attacks and depression. I became walled in by constant fears. Somehow, in some unknown way I managed to muddle my way through it and overcome the worst of the symptoms. Throughout the years the symptoms would expand and contract like I had been touched with hot or cold. They became worse as I experienced the devastating loss of 2 of the most important women in my life within 3 months, but then I found myself healing and the symptoms abated somewhat.
Now, at age 37, I find myself mildly plagued once again. I have no college degree since the fears interfered with my ability to attend classes. Have I simply wasted the last 20 years of my life? Where have they gone and what is there to show for them but 2 beautiful children? Someone told me yesterday that it is never too late. So I am going forward. I can have my degree in a few short years.
I used to have a dream that I would write the words that would inspire millions. Maybe I will after all.
Things haven't necessarily turned out all that great for me either. I'm not on drugs- recreational ones anyway, nor am I a famous journalist. What I have become is a mom who finds herself plunging toilets and tending to loads and loads of laundry and dishes. It's not exactly what I had in mind for a career.
What I did think of myself doing was writing. Writing endlessly and emotively and reporting the facts from war torn countries or areas of natural disasters. In my mind I was writing words that would not only move people to tears, but change minds and change the world. Such are the dreams of teenagers.
Instead I found myself trapped in a terrifying world of severe panic attacks and depression. I became walled in by constant fears. Somehow, in some unknown way I managed to muddle my way through it and overcome the worst of the symptoms. Throughout the years the symptoms would expand and contract like I had been touched with hot or cold. They became worse as I experienced the devastating loss of 2 of the most important women in my life within 3 months, but then I found myself healing and the symptoms abated somewhat.
Now, at age 37, I find myself mildly plagued once again. I have no college degree since the fears interfered with my ability to attend classes. Have I simply wasted the last 20 years of my life? Where have they gone and what is there to show for them but 2 beautiful children? Someone told me yesterday that it is never too late. So I am going forward. I can have my degree in a few short years.
I used to have a dream that I would write the words that would inspire millions. Maybe I will after all.
posted by Becky/Skein Gang at
1:42 PM
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